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In other words, there's often a lot for them to "unlearn" in recovery.In Twelve Step programs, and especially in Steps Four through Ten, PIRs learn how to develop healthy relationship skills.Paul said that the more thorough the list, the better, in order to make sure the PIR deals with any smoldering resentments (or other thoughts and feelings) that might creep out later in an unhealthy way.The moral inventory in Step Four gives PIRs a practical tool for honestly and courageously facing how their addictive actions may have hurt others and harmed themselves in the process.This category also gets the PIR thinking about how they were inconsiderate with their partner, how they might have been jealous or suspicious, or how they might have cheated on their partner.
Some PIRs come from unhappy families in which emotional or physical abuse and addiction were common.
There is no right or wrong way to do this Step, and those who work it don't stop to try to figure out why they did what they did--they merely make a list in whatever way works best for them, trying to be as "searching and fearless" as they can be.
After listing their resentments, many PIRs include in their lists the other categories suggested in the Big Book: This last category of sexual harms is not limited to actual physical harms like infecting someone with a sexually transmitted disease, or having sex with someone against their will.
When they were drinking and using, they may have grown used to doing whatever it took to cover up, excuse, or engage in their addictive behavior.
When it comes to an addiction disorder, deceit, manipulation, and friendships with fellow drinking or drugging buddies are too often the rule, rather than the exception.
But the Steps are especially useful if you dating a PIR, because the skills you learn from the Steps may be helpful in your relationship.